I've reached a point in my life where I have to decide what to do in order to keep things moving. The problem is, I don't know if I have the stones to make those decisions. I know doing so would throw me into a world of cognitive dissonance. But I know not doing so would leave me where I am, only to face this challenge in the future. Saying I've hit a rough patch is a bit of an understatement. I'd rather put it as "Like just gave me a kick to the specials" and I'm having to haul myself off the floor. Now, mind you, this is entirely my fault, so I can't take the position of a high school kid from suburbia and whine how unfair life is, but I just don't know what to do with myself right now.

In the past three years of my life, A lot of things have happened. It all started when one summer when I lost several friends. Two died in car accidents, and another took his own life. Then I met a girl. We hit it off, and my life was more peaceful than it ever has been. Then my mother died of cancer, and I was kicked out of school. But I kept going. I got my GED, license, and bought a car. I was becoming an adult. Then, the girl was diagnosed with cancer, and we fought to keep things going. As it turns out, we didn't have enough fight left in us to save our relationship. Somehow, I managed to get a full time job that payed great. I started coming up in life, and I won the girl back. For one long year, we fought our hardest to try to make things go back to the way they were. Finally, we accepted that we could never do that, and worked to make love out of what we had. Recently, I lost my job, and I've started to screw up big time. I'm losing the girl again. And part of me thinks maybe I should stop fighting for it. Part of me thinks maybe I should just let her go, so she can get away from this mess. Part of me thinks it would be better for her that way.

So here I am. Waiting to find out whats going to happen, and asking myself if things will be ok either way. After all I've seen happen around me, and all I've learned from the hardships I've had to endure, I have no fucking clue what I'm doing in life. It's kind of funny, in very stupid way. How did I get this far only to stumble over something that you'd think I'd be able to vault over with ease?
Thats a damn good question. Maybe I'll figure it out some day.
I suppose until then, it's going to be one hell of a ride.